Chiggin Wangs

Hi, everyone. My name is Sophia. I am in college and live with two boys. I don't eat meat. They do. Basically, it was "learn to make chicken wings or get evicted. Bitch."

But, admittedly, when I was slowly giving up meat (which I still haven't completely because I eat fish and shrimp), chicken wings were a tough one to eliminate from my diet. There's just something about them.  I used to love 35cent wing night at B-Dubs in high school.  I have a friend who calls me "Sweet BBQ" and I call him "Caribbean Jerk." That's just how important wings were to our friendship, and my life in general.

I have begun making weekly Buffalo chicken wings and Buffalo tofu, uh, nugs.  I do this on "New Brew Thursdays."  We'll get a few six-packs of interesting beer and eat like real men.  We usually watch a movie.  We were about to watch a gory Tarantino movie (really, aren't they all gory?) when Nick said: "You know, guys, I just don't think that I want to watch a Tarantino movie while eating...chicken wings." Keep such things in mind when making chiggin wangs.

Alright, here's what you need:

Chicken wings and/or firm or extra-firm tofu

Frank's Red Hot hot sauce, Tabasco, butter, and garlic (or butter and BBQ sauce, if you're like Nick and don't dig the Buffalo-steez)

Blue cheese dressing and/or crumbles, Ranch dressing, sour cream

Flour, salt, pepper, and garlic powder (or garlic salt, in which case, omit the salt)

Melt a stick of butter and a healthy helping of minced garlic in a pan. Medium-high heat.

Let it get all sizzley and whatnot. (Say that with a hillbilly accent, please.)

Then, pour in some Frank's Red Hot.  I can't tell you exactly how much.  Like, this much, k?  It's probably about a cup or so.  Shake in as many drops of Tabasco as you think you can handle. It is the Tabasco that controls the spiciness level in the sauce.  I like a lot, myself, but Nick gets a little baby-ish on me.  So I make him BBQ wings.  Remember that you can always taste-test the sauce when it cools and add more Tabasco, but you can't take it out!  

OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD I think I just... You don't wanna know... Excuse me.

Andy told me that he literally began to drool one day in class at the thought of this Buffalo sauce. 

Once the sauce is melted and looks like THIS, remove it from the heat so the butter can thicken a bit.

(Variation: Because Nick prefers BBQ sauce to Buffalo, I just melt half a stick of butter and a good squeeze of some Sweet Baby Ray's for him. It's all good, folks.)

Now, Chicken Wings...ASSEMBLE!

I like to play with them and bend them and make them walk.

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Okay, now it's time to get serious. The knife is out, people.  Some people snap them in half. I'll have to try this next time.  I've always just cut them. So maybe there are tiny shards of bone all over. Ehh...I eat the tofu anyway.

Looks appetizing, huh?  I'm tellin ya...tofu.

Are the parts beginning to look familiar now?  My mind is BLOWN.

Okay, here is what you need for the breading and frying process, if you indeed intend clothe your wings (though there's nothing wrong with "naked" wings...) and cook them. And I do suggest you cook them. Salmonella is a bitch.

Anyway, mix about a cup of flour with a few shakes of salt and pepper.  I also add garlic powder, but I didn't include it in this photo because my roommates were next to me and always make fun of me for using "too much garlic."  Whatever.  They're so full of brouhaha.  I secretly added a copious amount of garlic powder to this particular breading, and they both loved it.

Toss the chicken wings in the flour, salt, pepper, GARLIC mixture.

In a high-sided pan, heat some vegetable oil (corn oil, canola oil, sunflower oil, whatever) over medium high to high heat.  Notice the econo-sized VAT of oil the boys got me at the grocery.  It's glorious.  It even has a laundry-detergent style measuring lid.  If it gets too hot, though, it could spatter and burn you... I have spots all over my arms and Zach told me it looked like I had Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome.  And that's no bueno, friends.

Drop them wings into the hot oil! Yay HEALTH!

Sometimes I guilt Andy into flipping the wings, because they need to be flipped periodically.  I think they take around 15 minutes to cook.  Flip them over ever few minutes.  Slice into a couple of them with a knife to check their done-ness.  Pink is not good.  You want them to be white. Duh.  

They're done! They're done!

Now cut the tofu (if you're using that) into cubes. Perhaps 1x1x1/2 inch.  Toss them in the same breading, and fry them the same as the chicken.  You'll know when they're done because the outside is reeeeeeeally crispy and the inside is soft. OHMYGOD they're good!

For the dip, mix, in equal parts: sour cream, ranch, and blue cheese.  And a shake of black pepper.  You could definitely add blue cheese crumbles, but they're a little expensive.  You can also omit the ranch dressing because it is of the devil (smite me all you will...). But I think the roomies would get pissed, so I take one for the team and include ranch.

Pour the delicious sauce (which has cooled slightly, remember?) over the chicken wings...

...or tofu nugs.  When I made this for Zach, he said: "Oh, Sophi, only you could take tofu, a protein-power-food, and make it so...unhealthy.  I love you..."  That was paraphrased.

But I don't endorse total healthlessness! ("Healthlessness" is definitely not a real word.)  See? Every time I make wings, I pair them with a huge plate of fresh fruits and vegetables.  Here we have a beautiful mango, plump grapes, snappy celery, and organic carrots.  Because non-organic carrots make my mouth itch like a mothafuckah.

Here's the finished product!

We drank wine that night, too, but really: wings are for beer.

BBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRPPPP!