For all of the "Justin"s out there...Frozen Pizza

The Way A Frozen Pizza Should Be Handled

I'm notorious for complicating things, recipes especially. I can take any seemingly simple food and amp that shit up beyond comprehension.  This drives my best friend's boyfriend, Justin, absolutely freakin' bonkers when I cook breakfast at the lake in the summer.  Take scrambled eggs for example.  Instead of the eggs and milk and maybe salt and pepper that Justin expects, I manipulate the yolk to white ratio, shake in an obscene amount of hot sauce, dump in some sharp cheddar, and whip it up with some mayonnaise (the trick to fluffy eggs).  He begs and pleads for "normal food," but I slap him with my leather glove, challenge him to a duel, and force-feed him my glorious creation. I do it out of love.

The same technique goes for the college-student-staple frozen pizza. But really, it's not that much more complicated. And it's SO SO SO worth it. 

See this pizza? Sure, it's good. It's California Pizza Kitchen, and I'm no hater. BUT, that said, it holds within it the potential to be so much more.

Here's what you're going to do:

Heat some olive oil in a pan. Medium-high heat should do.

Chop yer onion into slices or dices, whichever suits your fancy.  If you forget how to do this properly, check out my delicioso white pasta sauce.  Just remember that if you prefer slices to dices, don't cut the onion into rows.

Damn. Them's some good onion slices.

Throw the onion, some garlic, and other toppings into the hot oil to saute.  I chose broccoli and shroomies, but you could do olives, green peppers, red peppers, edamame, peas, banana peppers, tomatoes, asparagus, zucchini, sausage, bacon, pepperoni, salami, M&Ms, or straight-up marijuana leaves. Just makin' sure you're paying attention... Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Yeah... I added more oil. Whaddya gonna do about it?

(Depressing violin music plays...)

(Hello my baby Hello my honey Hello my rag-time gaaaaaaaal!)

This picture is so much happier and vibrant than the last.

Now you're talkin... add some mozzarella cheese, some parmesan cheese, and some herbs (basil, parsley, oregano, rosemary...) if you're feelin' scandalous.

I learned this trick from my roommate.  Always save the cardboard to slide the hot pizza onto when you take it out of the oven. It works as a cutting board.

I learn this from my other roommate: don't cook frozen pizza without removing it from the cardboard first unless you'd like to see your oven go up in flames. Just sayin'.

This box came with two cardboard discs. Freaky-deeky.

Bake the pizza as it tells you on the box. If you feel brave, turn on the broiler for a few minutes at the end to turn the cheese golden brown. Don't walk away and, say, bathe, because it will burn more quickly than you'd realize.

Sauteed garlic and onion, shrooms, broccoli, herbs, gooey cheese. 

What is better, I ask? What?!

And here you have it: a beautiful, scrumptious, healthier, and infinitely more exciting pizza! It only takes a few extra minutes to create a gourmet masterpiece from a pussy-ass-piece-a-shit frozen pizza.

Coming up soon: HOMEMADE PIZZA.

Grandma's Apple Pie. (Not to be fucked with, folks.)

Key Lime Pie (Straight from Flawridah.)

Some other delectable delights!

Love, Sophia