My Gramma is a SAINT.

Here she is at my high school graduation.

The woman, the grandmother, the Pie-Making Legend.

Harriet Ulmer

Gramma Harriet's Apple Pie

You think your grandma's apple pie rocks the proverbial faces off of every other apple pie?

Think again, suckers.

I wrote about MY gramma's apple pie in an essay for a creative nonfiction workshop, and apparently some of my writing--which I thought was very persuasive--left some of my classmates unconvinced of the glory of this particular pastry.  I whipped one up at home and took it to class later in the semester, and transformed the cynics into converts.

This. Pie. Kicks. Motherfucking ASS.

Sorry for the language, Gramma.  I feel as if I have no other way to express how emphatic I am.

Reasons this pie kicks motherfucking ass:

a. It is completely natural. No bullshit.

b. It is easy to make. No frills, no hoops to jump through.

c. It's MY GRAMMA'S recipe. For me, it's ultra-nostalgic. Make it a few times and I guarantee the same reaction.

d. Umm, it's apple pie. Duh. Of course it's fantastic.

e. It's Amerkan. I am Amerkan. I eat Amerkan things.

Here are the ingredients:

Pie Crust (I usually make my own--another recipe for another time--but went the store bought route this time. Sorry to disappoint.)

4 large or 6 small Granny-Smith apples

Brown Sugar

White Sugar (if you choose)

Cinnamon

Flour

Butter

Simple, eh? Shyeah.

My roommate brought an apple corer to the apartment. I had never used one, but was nothing but pleased with the results.

I prefer to give my apples a rough peel. You can do this however you like: peel them all the way, not at all, or in the middle like me.

Cut the cored, peeled apples in half from top to bottom...

...and slice em. I cut once across and then many times down the middle to make short, thin slices. You could dice, slice, julienne, whatever. Don't make no differnce to me.

Toss the apples in some cinnamon and about a 1/2 cup or so of sugar. 

I like to use brown; I think Harriet uses white.

MMM...put the cinnamon-sugar apples into the crust.

Next, mix 1 cup of flour and 1/2 cup brown sugar in a bowl. (White or wheat flour is fine. Gramma uses white, but I tend to use wheat, because I'm just "that way.")

Cut cold butter into pats, and mix into the flour/sugar mixture with a fork or pastry cutter until it's crumbly.

If you over-stir into a paste, don't freak out or anything, dudes. Just stick it in the refrigerator until the butter cools and firms up again, and break it up with a fork.

Pile the topping high on top of the apples. Don't worry if it seems REALLY high, it'll be fine.

Oh man oh man oh man. I added a sprinkle of oatmeal, cinnamon, and brown sugar to the very top, just to be a rebel, you know? You could add flax seed meal for some Omega-3s, dude. Or wheat germ for some fiber. Do whatever. 

What's so great about this pie is it's SO simple, and simplicity lends itself to flexibility.

Oh Lordy, Lordy is this pie delightful!

Whipped cream with honey and allspice makes a splendid topping. Just mix the three ingredients in a blender, food processor, or a bowl with a hand mixer until firm.

My Gramma eats hers warm with a splash of milk.

Or, just eat it by itself! Aww, hell...eat the whole damn thing!

*EXCEEDINGLY HUMILIATING NOTE*

There is no photo of this pie finished because, well, I burned it.

I decided that, to make the picture for the blog look even better, I'd put the pie under the broiler for a minute to really make the top golden-brown. I am NOTORIOUS for forgetting things under the broiler. Must be all the wine. Anyway, Andy's friend was in town, and I was chit chatting with him and TOTALLY forgot about the pie until it was literally in FLAMES in the oven. After throwing baking soda on the inferno of appliciousness, the pie wasn't much to look at. Hence the lack of picture, and my extreme embarrassment. 

(You can ask Andy...I cried. Seriously.)