Feckin' Franch Toast

Also...

2009-05-19T15:23:00.002-05:00

I have started another blog, which chronicles things having to do with my writing.

That can be found at http://sophiaulmer.blogspot.com.

Happy reading!

"It's when you fart in bed, and quickly pull the covers over your partner's head."

2009-05-19T14:27:00.005-05:00

You wanna know what I want?

A DUTCH OVEN.

The Pioneer Woman seems to be cooking with hers a lot lately, and I often feel pangs of jealousy.

There is another kind of Dutch Oven, however, that I can frequently claim as my own. At about 5 1/2 minutes into this clip from the John Water's movie Pecker, one becomes privy to the alternate definition of "Dutch Oven." This is the kind of Dutch Oven I unwillingly get (and--willingly, cruelly--give, especially after roasted garlic) on a fairly regular basis.

I want not one, but BOTH kinds of Dutch Oven in my life.

Chocolate Chip Cookies, plain and simple

2009-05-18T15:44:00.003-05:00

...and perfect

Ahoy! Yonder! What is that...in the brush?

Ah HA! The cookie jar!

And what is inside...?

Ahh, the fruitful product of Sophi and Andy baking to-geh-ver.

Andy is one of the people who* keeps me grounded, culinarily-speaking.

I suggested some orange zest; he said no.

What about cocoa powder? "No."

But whyyyyyy? I whined.

"Because," he answered, "less is more."

Here is what we did:

Andy sifted

3/4 cup flour

1/4 cup oats

1/4 t. baking powder

3/4 t. salt

Sophia creamed**

1 stick butter

3/4 cup turbinado sugar***

1 T. vanilla

1 egg

We mixed the two bowls together and added 10 oz.**** of chocolate chips.

I'd have added pecans if there were any around.

Then, he had to jet off to a screening at his fancy-schmancy film school.

So, I baked some large cookies on a greased cookie sheet at 325 degrees for 12 minutes.

And some small ones for 9 minutes.

It's important to not over-bake the cookies. Take them out BEFORE you think they're done.

They'll be gooey on top. But when they cool, they'll firm up and just be super moist.

Seriously, TRY to not make deez cookiez.

See the OOZING chocolate?!

"Shee-it."

*I am going to miss the absolute most when I move from Chicago.

**Her jeans...nyuk nyuk nyuk!

***Or you could do 1/2 brown, 1/4 white (I know someone like that...)

****He wanted 8 oz., I wanted 12 oz. As roommates, we have learned the art of compromise.

COCONUT ON MY BROWNIES CO-CO-COCONUT ON MY BROWNIES

2009-05-13T11:28:00.005-05:00

Holy Crikey Jigga Jigga WHAA

I just made MY BROWNIES for my last Form & Theory of Nonfiction class.

I didn't have any bourbon, and this is a bourb-lovin' bunch. To compensate for this, I, over medium-low to medium heat, melted 1/4 stick of butter and added 1/4 cup honey and 1/2 cup coconut. I let it brown--so the coconut is toasted and the honey is caramelized.

I put a spoonful of it on top of each little brownie (which I made in a miniature cupcake pan) in place of the bourbon caramel.

Then I tasted it. Then I female ejaculated.

GO TRY IT, NOW. You'll probably never forgive yourself if you don't.

You'll also never forgive yourself if you do, because you'll be a full-fledged, card-carrying, rehab-bound addict.

Aphrodisiac Dinner-Main Course

2009-04-17T16:23:00.020-05:00

As promised...

Filet Medallions-on-Israeli Couscous-with-Red Pepper, Shrooms, & Spinach

So... Umm... Yeah...

I'm not quite ready to give up on vegetarianism, but this dish makes a lifestyle deviation pretty fuckin' tempting.

Begin with some filets. When you're at the butcher, go for the ones that are as tall as they are wide, look nice and soft and red and fleshy. (Eww.)

Place the pieces of dead animal on a cutting board or plate, and poke mercilessly with a fork.

Flip them over, and perforate the other side as well.

Stick the in a plastic bag, as shown, with your choice of marinade. I threw in splashes of:

Worchestershire-shi-shirr-shre sauce

Olive oil

Red wine (I think I used merlot, even though Miles from "Sideways" echoes in my head "I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!" every time I reach for a bottle.)

Also, some minced garlic and black pepper.

Let them marinate for as much time as you've got.

This is Israeli couscous, and this is your friend.

Just do what the box says to prepare it, and prepare your mind, as well, to be BLOWN.

It's like couscous and gnocchi had a lovechild in the motherland.

Grab some sizable heads of garlic. Figure about one for every four people.

More, if you're like me.

Behead them, like so. You want each clove to be exposed.

Place them in some foil, drizzle olive oil on them, sprinkle with salt and pepper. Wrap 'em up.

Next, julienne a red pepper and drizzle that with olive oil, too. We're gonna ROAST.

Place them in a hot oven, side by side. Let's say 400 degrees. 40 minutes or so.

Just be mindful and check your oven.

The peppers are done right as they begin to faintly blacken on the edges.

The garlic is done when it is golden and soft.

Now! Fetch your meat!

Give it a rub of black pepper, garlic powder, and a bit of sea salt, if you are so inclined.

Heat some butter (let's say 2 t. for every steak) over medium-high. When it's piping hot, stick the steaks in there.

Let each side brown, then remove. Don't count on this to cook the steaks, you're only searing them to lock in the bloody delicious muscle juices.

Place aside on a slotted pan, like this. Or, on your George Foreman. OR, if it's the summer, you best be usin' an outdoor grill or you're just a big fat dummy.

Begin to cook this (under the broiler, if in the oven) while you proceed with the next steps.

Now, in the same pan, throw another tablespoon of butter. Saute some sliced or chopped mushrooms. I'd recommend baby 'bellas. You can make these as soft as you like. You can also use as many as you like. I'm a shroom-lovah, but Zach, for example, is not.

Okay, place them aside with your roasted garlic and red peppers.

Chop some spinach, a LOT of it. Spinach has a knack for being deceptive in its volume.

Lightly saute your spinach in the steaky-shroomy pan. Don't overdo it.

But you'll see what I mean about spinach being a tricky fucker.

You'll need way more than you think.

Add the roasted red peppers and shrooms (not the garlic) to the spinach, and stir around a bit.

Dump in your prepared Israeli couscous.

Toss that shit, baby. It'll start to sizzle and smell like HEEEEEEEEEEAVEN.

Are your steaks done yet?

These actually turned out a TAD overdone for my carnivorous taste.

I like medium-medium-rare, these were medium-medium-well-ish.

It's an art.

In a small saucepan, or in the microwave if you're a lazy-ass, combine 1 T. butter and 4 t. red wine per steak until they are a sauce.

Slice the filets into cute little discs of death, and arrange on a plate on top of the Israeli couscous mix. Top with a few cloves of roasted garlic and the red wine-butter sauce.

Shake'a'black pepper, Adam Sandler style, and you've got it.

Surround with "haricot vert" (some bitchy waitress condescendingly told me once that "Umm, those are green beans..."). Anyway, they look pretty around the plate.

Look what the Easter-Bunny brought...

2009-04-17T01:18:00.016-05:00

Stuffed Whitefish with Blood Orange and Thyme

Got yer fish?

LET'S GO!

Begin by chopping:

1/2 of a red bell pepper

1/2 of a yellow or white onion

5 cloves of garlic

Toss the three components together with a touch of olive oil, and a bit of salt and pepper.

Next, slice a blood orange into discs about 1/4 cm. each.

I'd actually recommend 2 blood oranges, I didn't have quite enough.

Next, spread out a sheet of parchment paper that's about 1.5x the length of your fish (from head to tail) and 3x the height of it (from fin to fin).

Arrange some blood orange slices on the parchment paper to equal the length of the fish.

(See, I told I didn't have enough. I used some lemon, too, to fill the gaps.)

Arrange about 8 sprigs of thyme across the top of the oranges.

Hello, Darlin'.

At the fish market (or, in my case, Whole Foods), ask them to scale and gut the fish.

It'll still have the bones, but that's okay...it'll put some hair on yer chest.

I'm no master at whole fish, so if there is a way for them to cut the bones out while leaving the rest of the fish intact, by all means...

Score le poisson on both sides. This way, it'll absorb the flavors.

And quit being such a whiny bitch about it.

Cover all sides (including the middle) with salt, pepper, and olive oil

Unless you have a freakishly sharp knife, I would also recommend having the person at the fish market chop on the head and tail. Trust me, I tried. It's not easy.

It's looking at you, you know.

Place the fish open on top of the oranges and thyme you arranged on the parchment paper.

Fill with half of the pepper/onion/garlic mix, then cover with a few more slices of orange and more thyme.

Put the rest of the pepper/onion/garlic on top of the oranges and thyme, and give it a teensy bit more olive oil if you feel so inclined...

Close der'fish and top with more orange and thyme.

Save some oranges for garnish, if you have some to spare.

Aww, man. Jesus Christ has risen.

Wrap it up real tight like a burrito.

Roll it, fold the sizes, you know how, right?

Bake at 425 degrees.

My fish was 3 pounds before I chopped off the head and tail, and it took about 40 minutes to cook. Just start to check every 5 minutes or so once it's been in the oven around 30 minutes.

It will look white and flaky--like this--when it's done.

"Mother of God."

-Thorny, Super Troopers

Here's where the extra orange slices will come in. Make a pretty garnish.

(I had to use the ones that already went through the oven. They were all limp-dicked and ugly.)

To serve: open the fish and spoon out the peppers and onions.

Remove the thyme and blood oranges, as well.

From the top of the spine, gently pull backbone and ribs out. You should get most of it out in one pull. If not, just look out for the teeny ribs as you're eating.

Serve the stuffing on top of the fish with a few leaves of thyme.

Squeeze some orange over the whole thing if you please!

Easter Dinner, 2009!

Valentine's Day Dinner!

2009-02-23T10:37:00.006-06:00

This meal was a masterpiece.

I didn't take any photos of it, but never fear, for I will make it all again and share the recipes.

Then, you'll make the recipes,

eat and eat and eat,

and grow a hiney like Cupid.

So voluptuous...

Anyway, here is what I made:

Spring mix salad topped with sliced boiled beets, minced red pepper, diced cucumber, crumbled goat cheese, and black pepper (Zach assembled it).

Cheese and white wine fondue with slices of apple and pear, red grapes, and toasted pumpernickel bread.

Marinated filet medallions (yes, I broke my own rule, and it was SO good)--medium--on top of Israeli couscous with steamed spinach and roasted red pepper, then topped with roasted garlic cloves and red-wine-butter drizzle.

I was going to do muffin-pan brownies* filled with raspberry and ricotta, but due to some deviant behavoir with THIS guy...

...I neglected the baking dessert and they became too stiff to properly manipulate.

We ate raspberries instead.

Then had a fire.

And snuggled.

I love my Valentine.

.xoxoxoxo.

*Just omit the whiskey and don't worry about the caramel sauce.

B-Nutz Squash Sooooop

2009-01-27T07:32:00.014-06:00

Buttercup!

Butterstuff!

Butternuts!

My Butternut Squash Soup!

Anyone seen the stoner movie "Half-Baked"? If you have not, you shall, lest God shall smite thee. The "butterstuff, butternuts, buttercup! Cup! Cup!" comes from the scene in that reverent film in which Kenny, the kindergarten teacher, feeds a police horse too many munchies, unintentionally causing the poor equine's death.

In short, that reminds me of this soup, which is possibly my favorite soup.

It is PERFECT for the winter, and even better for the fall.

It's spicy. Oh, it's spicy and creamy and warm and de-fuckin-lectable.

Begin by sauteeing one diced white or yellow onion, a tablespoon of garlic, and two stalks of minced celery in some butter or olive oil. When it's slightly browned and the celery is fairly tender, dump it all into a blender.

Slice open a butternut squash (this recipe was doubled...), scoop out the seeds, drizzle it with olive oil, and bake it face down at 400 degrees for 45 minutes. It should be super-soft when you take it out, and look like mine.Scoop the good stuff out, and put that in the blender, too. Yeeeeeeeeeeah, baby. (See the graham cracker crusts in the background? Apple tarts, baby.)
Pour in about 3/4-1 cup of vegetable (or chicken, if you're down with that) broth. And blend until smooth!!!
Pour into a crock pot, or a pot on the stove on low. Pour in a combination of milk and half-n-half. If you use more milk, it will be thinner, brothier, and healthier. If you use more half-n-half, it will be thick, creamy, and artery-clogging. Give 'er a stir.

(A really yummy addition at this juncture can be Israeli cous cous.)

Now for the best part...SCHPICE. Begin with 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon yellow curry powder, and 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper. Give it a taste. If you're man enough, add more of the spice you like best. I like it suuuuuuuuuper spicy. And you wanna know something? I'm all for making this soup from scratch, but if you want to use a store-bought butternut squash soup, that's your call. Just make sure you season it like this one.

Enjoy with some crusty bread, twinkle-toes!

(This particular occasion, I served the soup with goat-cheddar grilled cheese on sourdough rye bread. Holy smokes.)

With love,

Sophia

F(l)ood

2009-01-21T15:25:00.005-06:00

Cookbook Rescues Recipes Lost in Hurricane Katrina

Hey everyone! I just stumbled across this link while (unbelievably bored, tearing my nails, biting my lip, picking my nose, drumming my fingers, twiddling my thumbs) at work today.

What a wonderful project. Check it out!

New York Times-"Cooking Up a Storm"

Oh, lordy lordy.

Sweet potato chowder spiked with jalapeño and smoothed with molasses!

Laissez les bon temps roulez,

Sophia

An Indian Endeavor

2009-01-20T22:30:00.006-06:00

Spiced-Yogurt Tofu & Shrooms over Brown Rice

I'm so so sorry. Oh my.

So I cooked this meal tonight, didn't realize how awesome it was going to be, and therefore neglected to photograph it. I'm sure I'll make it again soon-and will have my camera next to me-and will post the visual. But until then, I have to post the recipe.

Has anyone ever felt as if they were born into the incorrect race? I have.

I am supposed to be Indian. My soul got recycled into this boring Anglo-Saxon body, but my taste-buds remain distinctly Indian. I know it.

Below is my new hero, the Hindu Goddess of Food, Annapurna.

The resemblance is striking, no?

Anyway, this recipe is adapted from the creatively titled cookbook Ethnic Cuisine. I think I scored it for 5 bucks at Borders a couple summers ago. The actual recipe is "Chili-Yogurt Mushrooms," but of course, I modified it.

Here's what you need for 4 servings:

1/4 cup lube*

2 white or yellow onions, diced

4-6 garlic cloves

1 can (14 oz.) plain diced tomatoes

1 tsp. turmeric

1 tsp. garam masala (I should add this to the must-have list.)

1/2 tsp. chili powder

1-1 1/2 c. sliced shroomies (white is preferable, but all I had were Baby 'Bellas)

1 pkg (~14 oz.) firm or extra-firm tofu, cubed

Sugar

Salt

1/2 c. plain yogurt (I used nonfat, but whatevs.)

Cilantro

Rice, basmati or brown (enough for 4 servings)

*The preferred fat is ghee, which is Indian clarified butter. You can find it in some health food stores, ethic aisles of the grocery, or-duh-Indian grocers. Other acceptable substitutes are butter, coconut oil, peanut oil, canola oil, or vegetable oil. I used a combo of coconut oil and butter. And I never thought I'd say this, but do not use olive oil. The flavors are too incompatible, me'thinks.

Okay, let's begin!

#1 Start cooking your rice. I assume you're not using instant rice, you slackers. It'll be done by the time your dish is.

#2 Heat your chosen lipid over medium-high heat. A wok works best, but use what you've got.

#3 Add your diced onions and cook, stirring often, for 7 minutes.

#4 Add your garlic (which has been minced, crushed, or grated) and stir for another 2 minutes.

#5 Add the can of tomatoes, juice included, and stir.

#6 Mix your spices together in a small bowl, and sprinkle them into the mix. Now it's really going to start smelling good! Add more chili powder if you like it hotter. Or garam masala...oh, garam masala, my new love. But be sparing, you can always season when you're finished. I followed these measurements and ended up with an awesome, delicately seasoned dish.

#7 Continue to cook, stirring, for 3 minutes.

#8 Add the tofu and shroomies. Coat in the immaculate sauce.

#9 Pinch some sugar (I used turbinado, but again, whatevs.) between your thumb and three fingers; sprinkle into the pan. Follow with a couple shakes of salt. Stir.

#10 Cook, stirring occasionally, for another 8 minutes or so, until the tofu is warm on the inside and the mushrooms are tender.

#11 Remove from heat and allow to cool for a minute while you measure 1/2 cup of yogurt. Move the shrooms and 'fu out of the way (to the outer edge of the pan), and slowly add the yogurt to the saucey part in the center, stirring constantly so the yogurt doesn't curdle (milk+acid=curdle-ies).

#12 Serve over basmati rice or brown rice, garnished with a pinch of chopped cilantro.

Or, you can try your hand at making roti.

Annapurna will be so proud!

Namaste,

Sophia

(SophiDidi**, to my favorite Indian beauties, Shriya, Pravi, and Aashi.

Thanks to Preeti, their mom, for teaching me basics of Indian food!

**Didi means "big sister" in Hindi.)

Whole Wheat Nanner Bread (Vegan Compatible)

2009-01-11T16:22:00.025-06:00

Super Duper Whole Wheat Nanner Bread

Whoo-whee, anyone who knows me knows that I hate to bake exclusively with that dastardly demon we call white flour (except when making Caramel Bourbon Brownies). I always try to sneak in a little whole wheat flour, a little wheat germ, a little flax seed... It's the health-nerd in me. I figure that I love to bake, and I want to eat healthily, so I should do my damndest to keep my baking fibrous.

I found this recipe for banana bread in my Mom's old, tattered copy of Laurel's Kitchen and was instantly hooked. After a few minor tweaks, it was perfect.

Peel three over-ripe (we're talking really spotty to totally black) nanas and throw them in a bowl. Squeeze the juice of one lemon over them (or, once, in an act of desperation, I used about 3 Tablespoons of orange juice). You can always freeze overripe or "rotten" bananas instead of throwing them away, and use them in this recipe.

Mash them suckers up with a potato masher, a fork, your hands...

Then, mix in 1/2 cup brown or turbinado sugar and 1/2 cup butter. (Here is the vegan part, you can use coconut oil or, I suppose, any other kind of oil in place of the butter.)

Then, mix in 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour, 1/2 cup wheat germ in addition to the whole wheat flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, and 1/2 teaspoon baking powder. Oh, how I love fiber. WHOLE GRAINS! WHOLE GRAINS! WHOLE GRAINS!

Stir it all together and don't worry if it seems a little stiff. It's supposed to be stiff--a dough, not a batter, y'dig? I don't know how it turns out so orgasmically moist, it just...does. Here is the point where you can add fixin's. Blueberries work beautifully, as do semi-sweet chocolate chips. Raisins, sunflower seeds, apple slices, dried fruit, dates, nuts, coconut, hell! You tell me what you stick in there!

Oh dear! The butter to grease my pan is hard!

(Stuck 'er in the oven for a minute.)

Mold your dough to fit your bread pan roughly, and place it in. You can also use a muffin pan, just decrease the baking time and check it often.

Now, I like to sprinkle some cinnamon (with just a hint of turbinado sugar) on top.

Bake at 375 for 30-45 minutes, and make sure your nuisance mother doesn't get to it before you can photograph it! (And yes, we DO always have gorgeous, fresh produce just sitting on the counter.) When a toothpick or butter knife comes out clean, it's all done.

If you don't make this ASAP, you're a damn fool.

Unteeeeeeeel we meet agaaaaaaaaain,

Love,

Sophia

My APRON!

2009-01-09T13:22:00.004-06:00

Yes, indeedy. I got all Auntie Em on yer asses and sewed myself an apron.

And it's reversible.

Which side do you like better?

I don't really know why I do things like this, cook and sew and clean and all that.

A domestic feminist is a troubling thing to be.

PS-That's my own recipe for homemade spicy butternut squash soup in the crock pot.

PPS-I promise to stop posting silly photos of aprons and tortilla chips and get back to cooking.

Magical food moment...

2009-01-06T21:52:00.002-06:00

Here is yet another thing I love about food:

It always tells a story.

A certain flavor or the reminder of a certain dish can be nostalgic. Avacado, sprinkled with cajun seasoning, reminds me of Zach and I spooning the green pulp (and spooning each other) in his old apartment. Raw salmon evokes memories of sushi dinners with my old friend Paul, caramel corn of my high school journalism class.

Or, a fantastic occasion can be marked by the food savored during it. I'll always remember the peach martini I drank on a night out with Dan, or the first time Andy and I had tomato-basil-olive oil-buffalo mozzarella at Iguana Cafe. A cup of veggie chili marks a very ill decision a few summers back.

Every meal should have something to make it three-dimensional in the memory.

I'll remember this margarita trip with Nicole by the heart-shaped tortilla chip.

Back in Bidnezz!

2009-01-06T15:49:00.005-06:00

I got a camera for Christmas!

Finally, I may continue my appalling, unappetizing culinary weblog.

So long as my semester doesn't rip out my heart, drop it in a blender, punch "frappe," sip it from the pitcher, chew it up, spit it out, and step on it with a pivoting heel, I vow to keep up on this blog.

In addition to a sweet Nikon CoolPix digital camera, Zach's parents got me "A La Card - Chicago." A La Card is a deck of cards; each card is a $10 gift card to a different restaurant Chicago. That's right, $520 of free restaurant food. I have not been to 51 of 52 of them!

I hope to write about my decadent, discounted experiences.

Bean Salad...good for the soul!

2008-05-12T17:22:00.005-05:00

Bodacious Bean Salad

It's finals time... is anyone as overwhelmed as me?

UGHH, but then I felt guilty for not updating this blog, and then I ripped my hair out.

And then realized I haven't pooped since Saturday. (It's Monday. I realize that this is normal for some people. Not me. My intestines are like a taffy-pulling machine.)

Anyway, I figured that I needed some fiber, some protein, and something quick and simple to make so I can work on this damned final revision for my writing workshop.

Here's what I came up with:

Mix together in a big ceramic bowl:

One can red beans, drained and rinsed

One can white (Great Northern) beans, drained and rinsed

One half of an onion, chopped (I used white, but red would be better)

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

2 T. chopped fresh parsley (optional)

1 jalapeno, diced

3/4 cup chopped celery

1 T. minced garlic

2 T. plus 2 t. olive oil

4 t. balsamic vinegar

A hearty shake of black pepper

Here's what it looks like up close.

You can eat it by itself, dump it on top of a bed of lettuce, mix it with some cooked rice, smear it on top of a sour cream covered tortilla chip... whatever you want!

You should probably pair it with wine or marijuana, you know, if you're stressed.

Did I just say that?!

And if all else fails, and you are just too frazzled to muster the composure to create a bean salad, just go get yerself a nice Chicago-style veggie dog.

And annihilate that shit.

See you after finals.

Love,

Sophia

FINALS.

2008-05-05T18:54:00.005-05:00

I have lots of things on the way!

Homemade Pizza

Almond Fish with Jalepeno Aioli

Fresh Salsa (and a movie-quote contest!)

Give me some time, my loves, it's finals time!

Sophia

"A Fort Wayne Favorite!"

2008-05-03T12:11:00.010-05:00

Almond-Crusted Walleye with Jalepeno Aioli

Here are your ingredients:

Butter (from a ceramic cow, yes), almonds, bread crumbs (homemade or store-bought), olive oil, lemon, walleye or comparable mild white fish. For the aioli, you'll need mayonnaise, honey, and jalapeno.

Mind you, I am improvising here. This is not the coveted recipe from such Fort Wayne restaurants as Club Soda or Paula's On Main. I know for a fact that they deep-fry their walleye. I couldn't do this for two reasons. One, I'm getting married and am trying to not deep-fry everything in sight for fear of having back-fat in my wedding dress. Two, I don't have a deep-fryer anyway.

I melted a bit of butter in a ramekin, and squeezed in half of a lemon.

Next, I ground the bread crumbs* and almonds in my little infant of a food processor.

Baby, you lookin' fine!

On two plates, the lemon-butter and the almond-crusty.

My toes are super-weird.

Cut the walleye into strips (just cut the fillet down the center, long-ways) and dip into the lemon-butter...

...then into the almond-crusty.

Line 'em up in a casserole dish or something comparable.

Bake at 400 until when the fish is cut into with a fork, it flakes off. After 15 minutes, check every 5.

To make the aioli, blend in a food processer 1 c. reduced fat mayo (or regular), 1/4 c. finely diced jalapeno, and 2 T. honey. I could eat this shit with a spoon. For dessert. And breakfast, and lunch, and afternoon tea, and dinner, and after-dinner snack...

Voila!

The night I made this, it was Looptopia in Chicago.

Phew...

Love,

Sophia

*Store-bought bread crumbs work wonderfully because they're really light and crispy. But, I have made my own before by toasting a couple pieces of bread, adding about a tablespoon of flour, and food-processing that.

Salsa a la Alexander!

2008-05-02T20:44:00.017-05:00

Fresh, fresh, FRESH Salsa

An Ode to, a Reach for, Summer

Hello, my friends, and welcome to January in Chicago, IL.

Last Friday, it was -17 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and that was before the thrashing, freezing, maiming, violent assault of wind chill.

I need some summer in my life.

In the summer of 2005, right before my senior year of high school, Stuart Alexander and I rekindled our friendship. "Wanna come over and lay on the grass in the sun?" I asked. He did. I made tuna salad sandwiches. And he brought chips and salsa. His dad's homemade salsa.

Ever since that fateful day, John Alexander's salsa makes its way into my family's possession every summer. Stuart is barely allowed into our house unless he is toting a container of this magical chunky elixir of tomatic deliciousness. He brings it as an offering to the shrine that is our fridge. This causes not too much of an imposition, however, as John makes this salsa by the margarita bucket.

Yeah, margarita bucket. Besides the salsa, buckets of margarita define Indiana summers.

Here is that glorious recipe:

1 red onion

1 red bell pepper

3 banana peppers

2 jalapenos

1/2-1 habenero

Cilantro (leaves of 1 bunch)

Parsley (leaves of 1/4-1/2 bunch)

4 cans whole, peeled tomato (trust me on the canned thing, fresh don't work the same)

2 T. fresh garlic

Coarse salt

1 t. celery salt

1/2 t. cayenne pepper

1/2 t. chili powder

(You could, I suppose, add mango or peach to this, if fruity salsa is your thing...)

Here are the glorious components. (Minus the artichoke in the background.)

Oh yeah, baby. Come to mama.

Rinse your vegetables well. In cool water. Mmm, cool water. Like the cool water that fills a lake, or a swimming pool.The cool water that whisks away your coconut-scented suntan lotion. The cool water that dots your skin before it is dried by the hot, hot, hot, hot summer sun. Ugghhhhhh.

Chop up your parsley (left) and cilantro (right). I used flat-leafed parsley, but the curly stuff is fine. I'm pretty sure it's not called "curly-leafed" parsley, but you know what I mean.

Rinse your canned tomatoes in that same cool, refreshing water.

And begin to dice them.

Once through the center, then in rows, then in rows the other way.

You like zee pay-per? (Think Adam Sandler on SNL circa 1994.)

Make an incision around the stem of the pepper, like you do to pumpkins when you're carving them. Pull up to remove the stem.

Then slice the pepper into three or four sections down-ways.

I apologize pre-emptively for using this word...Remove the membrane. Eww.

Now that the membrane is taken care of, julienne (that's a nicer word, eh?) the pepper.

And dice.

Put on gloves beofre you behead your jalapenos! (Or plan on washing your hands REALLY well afterwards. And DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT have any sort of sexual contact! It burns...IT BURNS!! I know from experience, dudes.)

Slice them open!

And remove their membranes as well!

Julienne and dice, dice, dice.

Do this with all of your vegetables, and then force them to copulate in a bowl.

Roll your herbs into a ball, and chop chop chop!

Oh yeah, baby.

And dump 'em in!

Combine your spices in a small bowl.

And have fun and take cool photos as you swirl them together.

Stir those in, too, combining all of the components.

And a squeeze of lime...

OLE!!!! Your salsa is complete!!! Here it is sauteed with some egg whites, topped with sliced avacado, in a lightly fried corn tortilla.

SERVE WITH TEQUILA... OR A BUCKET OF MARGARITA.

Gracias, Alexander family, for the best salsa on Earth.

Adios, amigos!

Sophia

PIZZA. Pizza, pizza, pizza! PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-23T21:55:00.013-05:00

Homemade Pizza

(Wheat Crust. Buffalo Chicken and BBQ Chicken.)

Sweet JESUS, is there anyone out there that doesn't LOVE pizza?

Please stand up, and I shall scorn you by throwing toppings at your face and insulting your mother. AND your grandmother. And your children, if you have any--be they illegitimate or not, I shall call them bastards. That's how much of a freak you are if you dislike pizza.

I like to make pizza homemade. Not because Edwardo's, the pizzeria we live above, is unsatisfactory in any sense, but because I can do. what. I. WANT. to it.

Let's begin.

Dissolve 1 pkg. (which is about 2 1/2 teaspoons) of yeast in lukewarm water.

I like to warm the bowl a bit first, because if it's cold when the water hits it, the water cools and the yeast won't activate as well. Another option is to dissolve the yeast in a glass measuring cup and then pour it in. You may have this freedom.

Stir in 2 T. olive oil and 1 T. honey. Call me a weirdo, but there is something unmistakably intoxicating about this flavor combo. I threw in some herbs here, too. Probably basil. And a shake of garlic powder. And 1 cup white flour.

Next, mix in 1 1/2 cups wheat flour. Or, just more white flour. I like multi-grain EVERYTHING, though. Then, allow your feline companion to mix until elastic-y. Then knead, knead, knead. Get your anger out.

The great thing about this dough is that it hardly takes any time to rise. Here it is after 5 min.

And about 20. Don't worry if yours doesn't puff up this much. This was a lucky batch. If it rises only a little bit, you're probably fine.

PUNCH IT DOWN! Cooking with yeast is so therapeutic!

Now, drizzle some more olive oil over the top of the dough-ball. Then turn it over and roll it around and cover it in the remaining oil. Like that time your friend-of-a-friend vomited vodka and hotdogs at the lake and you had to clean her up after she essentially rolled around in it and smeared it on the gorgeous, expensive wallpaper.

Drunk girl is to vomit what pizza dough is to olive oil.

Now that you have that visual, and hopefully can feel my pain, squeeze and mold and flatten your dough onto a greased (with olive oil, der...) pan. I doubled the recipe, so I got enough dough for two. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Now, you can top the pizzas however you like! Andy and I have an affinity for BBQ and Buffalo chicken, so I pizza-ed accordingly.

First, I cut the chicken into small-ish pieces and baked--with a touch of olive oil, garlic salt, and pepper--at 350 until they were cooked all the way through.

This is all the way through. No pink. All white. We're not fucking cavemen.

Chop the chicken finely.

Smear some BBQ sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's, if you know ANYTHING!) on your un-baked crust, and scrawl the initials of your sophomoric cooking blog in it.

Now, here's a trick I learned when I worked at a pizza place for a month. (Mancino's Pizza & Grinders, Fort Wayne, IN...Yesssss!) On top of your chosen sauce, before you add any toppings, sprinkle a layer of cheese. This helps the toppings to stay in place and not slide off.

So, for the BBQ chicken pizza, I did a layer of BBQ sauce, a layer of cheese (mozzarella and cheddar), the chicken (actually, half of this is crumbled tofu*), some pineapple tidbits, and another layer of cheese. In retrospect, I should have added some crushed red pepper. Live and learn.

And now for the Buffalo pizza! First, make my Buffalo Chicken Sauce, using less butter so it isn't as greasy or runny. And spicier. Smear that on the pizza. Follow with a sprinkle of mozzarella cheese, then some sliced garlic, diced jalapeno (if you can handle the truth), diced red pepper, and diced celery. The celery is crucial here. MMM mm mm!

Follow with your protein, chicken on one half...

...tofu on the other!

SMOTHER with blue cheese, using mozzarella to fill in the cracks. Sprinkle some dried basil or parsley on the top if you want, but it really doesn't need it with all the flavor you'll have goin' on.

BAKE THE PIZZA(S) AT 450 DEGREES FOR ABOUT 12 MINUTES.

My BBQ roommate, Nick, probably got to the BBQ before I could take a picture, but the Buffalo remained unscathed long enough for its photo op.

OY! PERFECT!

Andy's looks excited. He literally salivates when he thinks about Frank's Red Hot.

Add more hot sauce to the top, if you're like us. Or, if you're not like us, and you're a big baby, just order a pizza, spend a bunch of money, and have no feelings of pride in the end.

Love,

Sophia

*As for the crumbled tofu, my friend Amanda taught me this. Stick your tofu in the freezer for, eh, half an hour before using it. Then it will crumble nicely. Tofu should be firm or extra-firm.

Rosemary-'Shroom Lasagna

2008-04-23T14:06:00.009-05:00

Rosemary and Mushroom Lasagna

Lasagna can be, well, boring. Don't you agree? After a long time of the same old same old flavorless cheese and flimsy noodles and E. coli-infested ground meat (sorry, I'm a vegetarian in a microbiology class), you kinda want to punch a baby.

At least I do.

Boil your lasagna noodles. This recipe is for about half of a package of lasagna.

Make sure to add salt and especially olive oil to the water. This will help keep the noodles from sticking together.

Get a head of garlic. Yes, a head of garlic. Not a jar.

Since I was so brutally criticized for suggesting a JAAAAR OF GAAAARLIC on here, I have switched to fresh. It's not so bad.

Anyway, break it apart and peel each individual clove. The one there at the bottom is peeled. Then chop em up. I used a whole head of this probably, but I'm just OBSESSED with garlic.

The noodles should be about this much done.

How's that for phrasing?

DO NOT DO THIS!

This will make the noodles stick together and then you will get klamidia and you will die!

(Mean Girls, anyone?)

Instead, you may want to lay them out on a CLEAN countertop or something. Just mind your sticky noodles, all right?

Alright, so I forget exactly my recipe. I think this is one egg. Maybe two. Whatever... it won't make much of a difference. Mix it with the chopped garlic.

Then, mix the egg and garlic into 2 cups (16 ounces) of Ricotta cheese.

I didn't have Parmesan cheese, but if I did, I would have added about 2/3 cup or so.

This is where you add the herbs.

I actually used "Herbes de Provence," an herb blend of rosemary, basil, lavender, and other stuff used in the South of France.

I added a little extra rosemary.

So, I'd say probably about a Tablespoon of rosemary in all.

And feel free to add a pinch of basil, parsley, or oregano. This is all about freedom.

Arrange the noodles on the bottom of a greased casserole dish.

Spoon out some of the Ricotta mixture, followed by a healthy sprinkling of roughly chopped shroomies. I LOVE baby bellas, but, again, FREEDOM.

Now, splooge some marinara out on top of the mushrooms, and a sprinkle of mozzarella cheese. Parmesan here, too, would have been lovely.

Keep layering: noodles, Ricotta, shrooms, marinara, cheese, noodles... until the noodles are gone. My casserole dish is large and would have only allowed for, like, two layers, so I only used half of it. It also displays quite effectively to you, the reader, the layering, does it not?

Give the top a THICK-ass layer of mozzarella cheese, and sprinkle a bit more rosemary. Parsley, too, is always a good top-sprinkler because it adds a lot of color without too much flavor.

Bake the bad boy at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes.

Broil it for a minute or two if it doesn't brown on the top, but DO NOT LEAVE.

If you do, the same thing could happen to the lasagna as happened to my beloved apple pie.

Ooh, ooh, ooh la la la la la. Enjoy, friends.

Love, Sophia

My Gramma is a SAINT.

2008-04-08T10:06:00.009-05:00

Here she is at my high school graduation.

The woman, the grandmother, the Pie-Making Legend.

Harriet Ulmer

Gramma Harriet's Apple Pie

You think your grandma's apple pie rocks the proverbial faces off of every other apple pie?

Think again, suckers.

I wrote about MY gramma's apple pie in an essay for a creative nonfiction workshop, and apparently some of my writing--which I thought was very persuasive--left some of my classmates unconvinced of the glory of this particular pastry. I whipped one up at home and took it to class later in the semester, and transformed the cynics into converts.

This. Pie. Kicks. Motherfucking ASS.

Sorry for the language, Gramma. I feel as if I have no other way to express how emphatic I am.

Reasons this pie kicks motherfucking ass:

a. It is completely natural. No bullshit.

b. It is easy to make. No frills, no hoops to jump through.

c. It's MY GRAMMA'S recipe. For me, it's ultra-nostalgic. Make it a few times and I guarantee the same reaction.

d. Umm, it's apple pie. Duh. Of course it's fantastic.

e. It's Amerkan. I am Amerkan. I eat Amerkan things.

Here are the ingredients:

Pie Crust (I usually make my own--another recipe for another time--but went the store bought route this time. Sorry to disappoint.)

4 large or 6 small Granny-Smith apples

Brown Sugar

White Sugar (if you choose)

Cinnamon

Flour

Butter

Simple, eh? Shyeah.

My roommate brought an apple corer to the apartment. I had never used one, but was nothing but pleased with the results.

I prefer to give my apples a rough peel. You can do this however you like: peel them all the way, not at all, or in the middle like me.

Cut the cored, peeled apples in half from top to bottom...

...and slice em. I cut once across and then many times down the middle to make short, thin slices. You could dice, slice, julienne, whatever. Don't make no differnce to me.

Toss the apples in some cinnamon and about a 1/2 cup or so of sugar.

I like to use brown; I think Harriet uses white.

MMM...put the cinnamon-sugar apples into the crust.

Next, mix 1 cup of flour and 1/2 cup brown sugar in a bowl. (White or wheat flour is fine. Gramma uses white, but I tend to use wheat, because I'm just "that way.")

Cut cold butter into pats, and mix into the flour/sugar mixture with a fork or pastry cutter until it's crumbly.

If you over-stir into a paste, don't freak out or anything, dudes. Just stick it in the refrigerator until the butter cools and firms up again, and break it up with a fork.

Pile the topping high on top of the apples. Don't worry if it seems REALLY high, it'll be fine.

Oh man oh man oh man. I added a sprinkle of oatmeal, cinnamon, and brown sugar to the very top, just to be a rebel, you know? You could add flax seed meal for some Omega-3s, dude. Or wheat germ for some fiber. Do whatever.

What's so great about this pie is it's SO simple, and simplicity lends itself to flexibility.

Oh Lordy, Lordy is this pie delightful!

Whipped cream with honey and allspice makes a splendid topping. Just mix the three ingredients in a blender, food processor, or a bowl with a hand mixer until firm.

My Gramma eats hers warm with a splash of milk.

Or, just eat it by itself! Aww, hell...eat the whole damn thing!

*EXCEEDINGLY HUMILIATING NOTE*

There is no photo of this pie finished because, well, I burned it.

I decided that, to make the picture for the blog look even better, I'd put the pie under the broiler for a minute to really make the top golden-brown. I am NOTORIOUS for forgetting things under the broiler. Must be all the wine. Anyway, Andy's friend was in town, and I was chit chatting with him and TOTALLY forgot about the pie until it was literally in FLAMES in the oven. After throwing baking soda on the inferno of appliciousness, the pie wasn't much to look at. Hence the lack of picture, and my extreme embarrassment.

(You can ask Andy...I cried. Seriously.)

The beauties of Florida, USA.

2008-04-08T09:30:00.009-05:00

Key Lime Pie with Berries in a Caramel-Graham crust

Oh, how we could speak of the beauties of Florida. For those of us who don't live there, especially, Florida seems a heavenly paradise of the United States. So tropical and lovely, so vacation-worthy. I feel almost silly writing this, as if Florida is somehow played out because so many people visit it--on family trips or wild spring breaks (I've done both)--and so many people retire there--set up camp in condos with their SPF 0 and saggy strapless one-piece bathing suits. Although Florida is so popular, so heavily trafficked and familiar, every time I visit, it feels new and exciting, taking on another persona different from its last.

The Florida I visited the last two times (Cape Coral/Fort Myers) with my boyfriend and now-fiance, Zach, is a different Florida from my best friend Brittany's house on Siesta Key is a different Florida from my Dad's Grandma Dorothy's house with the purple bathroom in DeLeon Springs. All are beautiful and comforting, and hold fantastic memories.

Here is a shot from my trip to Florida a few weeks ago, taken while on a day-long boat trip in the Gulf.

Here's one of my cutie-pie lovah and I, on the screened in porch in March at sunset. I'm trying to dig out some old shots from middle and high school Spring Break trips in Sarasota to post on here. They're bound to be entertaining.

But, one of the most awesome parts of Florida--especially for a food-obsessed motha like me--is the abundance of fresh fruit! Oh, how I love me a Florida farmer's market.

My favorite Florida dessert, perhaps the only strictly-Florida dessert worth mentioning (correct me if I'm wrong), is KEY LIME motha-truckin PIE.

This recipe is adapted from the good ol' Joy of Cooking, but I add lots of my own fantasmic twists. The crust? That's all me, baby!

Let's get started!

Note: I made this/shot these photos in Dustin and Candice's kitchen in Cape Coral, Florida. Dustin is Zach's very hospitable brother.

Step one: Melt a stick of butter over medium heat.

Smash up a package of graham crackers. Do this how you see fit...I'm not one to judge.

Get creative. Get your pent-up aggression out! Then eat your feelings!

Stir, eh, about a half cup of brown sugar into the melted butter and let it stew for a minute until it becomes goopy and almost sticky.

Mmm, now stir in them graham cracka crumbs.

Smear a pie-pan or similarly-shaped dish with butter. Don't skimp.

Dump the graham mixture into the pan and let it cool for a few minutes while you move on to the next step.

Now, break out four to six limes and cut them from top to bottom.

Slice them like this.

Then mix yourself a cranberry-vodka (or gin and tonic, or grab a bottle of Corona) and squeeze one of the lime slices into it. Resume activity.

Cut enough limes and squeeze enough juice to equal 1/2 cup.

Note: Because of time constraints, I used normal-sized limes as opposed to their tiny Key-lime counterparts. Adjust accordingly.

Oh, now, babies, crack four egg yolks into a bowl (save the whites in a Tupperware for an omlette). Stir in the lime juice and then one 14 oz. can of condensed milk. Yummmm.

Now...grate a Tablespoon of lime zest. This may take a while and your fingers will probably get sore. No one said Key Lime Pie is easy.

Stir it all together!

Whoops! I smushed the crust down without taking a picture. You can figure it out, right?

Pour the filling into the perfectly smushed crust.

Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes. You'd better check it after 15, though, darlin', just to be sure.

I like to hide some berries in between the filling and the whipped cream. Just to mix it up, you know?

Alright, so I had a few too many vodka-cranberries, because I completely neglected to take any more pictures until, well, the pie looked like this.

Here's what you missed:

Pour one pint of heavy whipping cream into a blender. If you don't have a blender, use a hand mixer. If you don't have a hand mixer, then dude, you best be buyin' some whipped cream unless you want to hand whip that shit. What a chore.

Anyway, blend up the cream until it's thick. I added a couple of strawberries to the mix to give it a bit of sweetness. Some people add a few Tablespoons of powdered sugar, but that's just not my style. Whip it up, slop it on, and eat it up!

I really hope you enjoy this recipe. It's one of my favorites.

I say...wear white after Labor Day, and bake Key Lime Pies in the Midwest!

Until we meet again,

Sophia

PS-Be ready for me to probably get raunchy again in my next post.

I'm feeling tame tonight for some reason.

Vegan-Schmegan. You won't even know the difference.

2008-04-07T18:41:00.006-05:00

Chocolate Cake, Take 2

Okay, so it's not as good as my own recipe for chocolate cake, but it ain't bad. Especially because there are NO EGGS in it! What?!

See this little dude? His name is Gus.

He's allergic to eggs, yet has a major sweet toof.

A few other facts about Gus: he changes all of his "r"s to "y"s ("fart" becomes "foyt"); has lovely blue eyes (see below); has a sister named Maeve who is obsessed with Junie B. Jones and Scooby Doo (so naturally, since she's six and he's three, he loves Scooby as well). Gus also enjoys watching Noggin, picking boogers (snooters), and playing with trains and marbles (tains and moybles).

He's allergic to eggs and peanuts, the poor little bugga'.

Mix these ingredients together in a bowl:

1 2/3 cups flour

1 cup sugar (brown or white, or a combo)

1/2 cup cocoa (we used especially dark cocoa)

2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

Then, form a volcano shape with the power you have created. In the crater, stir in:

1 cup water

1-1 1/2 teaspoon vinegar (a see-through one. no balsamic, peeps.)

2 teaspoons vanilla

1/2 cup vegetable oil (Actually, Gus and I opted to use melted butter, so our cake wasn't vegan. But oil wouldn't make much of a difference. If you have the means, coconut oil would be EXQUISITE, and still vegan.)

Bake the cake in a 350 degree oven for 20 minutes.

Since we had already copped out on the whole vegan thing when we added butter, I smeared some store-bought vanilla frosting on the cake, decorating it in a very kid-friendly way with fresh fruit. If you're actually vegan, just skip the frosting and load up on the fruit.

At the end of the day, I had a very satisfied little brotha on my hands since he was finally able to indulge in some baked goods. Then he sugar-crashed and took a twenty minute nap during Little Bill (best preschool show ever, by the way). It was a win-win situation.

For all of the "Justin"s out there...Frozen Pizza

2008-03-30T19:23:00.011-05:00

The Way A Frozen Pizza Should Be Handled

I'm notorious for complicating things, recipes especially. I can take any seemingly simple food and amp that shit up beyond comprehension. This drives my best friend's boyfriend, Justin, absolutely freakin' bonkers when I cook breakfast at the lake in the summer. Take scrambled eggs for example. Instead of the eggs and milk and maybe salt and pepper that Justin expects, I manipulate the yolk to white ratio, shake in an obscene amount of hot sauce, dump in some sharp cheddar, and whip it up with some mayonnaise (the trick to fluffy eggs). He begs and pleads for "normal food," but I slap him with my leather glove, challenge him to a duel, and force-feed him my glorious creation. I do it out of love.

The same technique goes for the college-student-staple frozen pizza. But really, it's not that much more complicated. And it's SO SO SO worth it.

See this pizza? Sure, it's good. It's California Pizza Kitchen, and I'm no hater. BUT, that said, it holds within it the potential to be so much more.

Here's what you're going to do:

Heat some olive oil in a pan. Medium-high heat should do.

Chop yer onion into slices or dices, whichever suits your fancy. If you forget how to do this properly, check out my delicioso white pasta sauce. Just remember that if you prefer slices to dices, don't cut the onion into rows.

Damn. Them's some good onion slices.

Throw the onion, some garlic, and other toppings into the hot oil to saute. I chose broccoli and shroomies, but you could do olives, green peppers, red peppers, edamame, peas, banana peppers, tomatoes, asparagus, zucchini, sausage, bacon, pepperoni, salami, M&Ms, or straight-up marijuana leaves. Just makin' sure you're paying attention... Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Yeah... I added more oil. Whaddya gonna do about it?

(Depressing violin music plays...)

(Hello my baby Hello my honey Hello my rag-time gaaaaaaaal!)

This picture is so much happier and vibrant than the last.

Now you're talkin... add some mozzarella cheese, some parmesan cheese, and some herbs (basil, parsley, oregano, rosemary...) if you're feelin' scandalous.

I learned this trick from my roommate. Always save the cardboard to slide the hot pizza onto when you take it out of the oven. It works as a cutting board.

I learn this from my other roommate: don't cook frozen pizza without removing it from the cardboard first unless you'd like to see your oven go up in flames. Just sayin'.

This box came with two cardboard discs. Freaky-deeky.

Bake the pizza as it tells you on the box. If you feel brave, turn on the broiler for a few minutes at the end to turn the cheese golden brown. Don't walk away and, say, bathe, because it will burn more quickly than you'd realize.

Sauteed garlic and onion, shrooms, broccoli, herbs, gooey cheese.

What is better, I ask? What?!

And here you have it: a beautiful, scrumptious, healthier, and infinitely more exciting pizza! It only takes a few extra minutes to create a gourmet masterpiece from a pussy-ass-piece-a-shit frozen pizza.

Coming up soon: HOMEMADE PIZZA.

Grandma's Apple Pie. (Not to be fucked with, folks.)

Key Lime Pie (Straight from Flawridah.)

Some other delectable delights!

Love, Sophia

Healthy food, healthy food, healthy food...

2008-03-12T15:48:00.002-05:00

Glancing over the last few posts, I realized something:

I need to include some healthy recipes.

It's just that the most popular things I make are so ridden with fat and sugar and mmmmmm....

Sorry, I fainted.

Nutritious meals to come! I don't want to be clumped with Paula Deen! (Though she is a butter-lovin' goddess.)

Love,

Sophia

Caramel Bourb-Sesh Brownies (though a little incomplete...)

2008-03-12T13:57:00.009-05:00

When I took these into my fiction class, the professor told me he would get in trouble for allowing them in class.

When I asked Andy what he wanted for dessert for his birthday, there was no hesitation. "Bourb-sesh brownies, braaaahhhhhh," he answered.

Inspired by the Bourbon Cake at Club Soda in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and making the recipe up as I went sort-of-but-not-really following the Baker's chocolate recipe, these little babies were created.

Caramel Bourbon Brownies

for those who are sick of innocuous indulgences

Ingredients: BOURBON WHISKEY, unsweetened baking chocolate, eggs, butter, brown sugar, white sugar, flour, vanilla

First, over medium-heat, in a pan or a pot or a wok or whateverrrr you desire, melt two sticks of butter (none of that margarine bullshit!), 4 squares of Baker's chocolate (unsweetened...what are we, Girl Scouts?), 1/2 c. whiskey (Zach and Andy both insist on Maker's Mark, but I'm too poor for that), and 2 teaspoons of vanilla

It'll get all warm and bubbley, like this!

When this is melted, add 1 to 1 1/2 cups of sugar. If you accidentally bought sweetened Baker's chocolate, just decrease the sugar to 3/4 c. or so. Whisk the sugar slowly, oh, OH, so sensually, until it is dissolved. Remove the pan from the heat.

Into the mixture, crack 3 eggs, yolks and all. This ain't no South Beach, bitch. Stir them until combined. If you have an electric mixer, break it out. This little babies are tough to combine. If you don't have one, use a whisk like me and BEAT IT Michael Jackson-style.

Finally, add one cup of flour into the mix.

Break out God's gift to (wo)mankind, butter, and slather it into your cake pan. Or whatever you're using. Once, I made this in a muffin pan. Two little individual delicious chocolate masterpieces. I fed one to Zach. Then he proposed...no joke. This recipe is JUST that powerful.

Doesn't this remind you of the opening credits to the original Willy Wonka movie?! God, it makes me drool like a Bloodhound just looking at it. Anyway...

Pour the batter into the pan you made greasier than a strip club in Gary, Indiana.

DON'T RINSE YOUR PAN. You'll learn to like it dirty. Like a strip club in Gary, Indiana, perhaps?

Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or so. It should be soft, almost meringue-y, you know? Like a key lime pie on top. Anyway, make sure you don't over-bake. Over-baking will give you the spins, and you'll probably eat this whole thing in one sitting, if you catch my drift, mon. When a toothpick is inserted, it shouldn't come out totally goopy, but not totally dry either. (I'll spare you the sexual, anatomical innuendo.)

The Caramel Sauce

Okay, so I didn't get to take any pictures of this because I was in the middle of making Andy's birthday dinner, which consisted of filet mignon, roasted asparagus, a salad, bread, garlic white-cheddar mashed potatoes. And this. For like seven people. So, I was a little bit overwhelmed and didn't take pictures of the caramel-making process. I trust you to be able to handle it; it's not hard.

While the brownies are in the oven, using the same sauce pan as before (with the delicious little chocolate particles), combine:

3/4 stick of God's gift to (wo)mankind...butter.

1 cup brown sugar (Not Beyonce Knowles, people.)

1/4 cup of bourbon (Or more. Or none at all, if you're overwhelmed... cough... pussy... cough.)

1 tablespoon heavy cream, if you got some on ya

When this is all melted together and cooled a little bit so it's not totally bubbling and burning, pour it over the top of the brownies (or cake, whatever) and watch it absorb and trickle and form a big gooey delicious sinful euphoric mess.

Try not to drool when you eat these. Such behavior is not very becoming. But I'm sure these brownies will make you be-coming all over the house in a minute!! I'm sorry... was that crossing the line?)

Enjoy, my boozey-brownie buddy!

Chiggin Wangs

2008-03-09T22:38:00.018-05:00

Hi, everyone. My name is Sophia. I am in college and live with two boys. I don't eat meat. They do. Basically, it was "learn to make chicken wings or get evicted. Bitch."

But, admittedly, when I was slowly giving up meat (which I still haven't completely because I eat fish and shrimp), chicken wings were a tough one to eliminate from my diet. There's just something about them. I used to love 35cent wing night at B-Dubs in high school. I have a friend who calls me "Sweet BBQ" and I call him "Caribbean Jerk." That's just how important wings were to our friendship, and my life in general.

I have begun making weekly Buffalo chicken wings and Buffalo tofu, uh, nugs. I do this on "New Brew Thursdays." We'll get a few six-packs of interesting beer and eat like real men. We usually watch a movie. We were about to watch a gory Tarantino movie (really, aren't they all gory?) when Nick said: "You know, guys, I just don't think that I want to watch a Tarantino movie while eating...chicken wings." Keep such things in mind when making chiggin wangs.

Alright, here's what you need:

Chicken wings and/or firm or extra-firm tofu

Frank's Red Hot hot sauce, Tabasco, butter, and garlic (or butter and BBQ sauce, if you're like Nick and don't dig the Buffalo-steez)

Blue cheese dressing and/or crumbles, Ranch dressing, sour cream

Flour, salt, pepper, and garlic powder (or garlic salt, in which case, omit the salt)

Melt a stick of butter and a healthy helping of minced garlic in a pan. Medium-high heat.

Let it get all sizzley and whatnot. (Say that with a hillbilly accent, please.)

Then, pour in some Frank's Red Hot. I can't tell you exactly how much. Like, this much, k? It's probably about a cup or so. Shake in as many drops of Tabasco as you think you can handle. It is the Tabasco that controls the spiciness level in the sauce. I like a lot, myself, but Nick gets a little baby-ish on me. So I make him BBQ wings. Remember that you can always taste-test the sauce when it cools and add more Tabasco, but you can't take it out!

OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD I think I just... You don't wanna know... Excuse me.

Andy told me that he literally began to drool one day in class at the thought of this Buffalo sauce.

Once the sauce is melted and looks like THIS, remove it from the heat so the butter can thicken a bit.

(Variation: Because Nick prefers BBQ sauce to Buffalo, I just melt half a stick of butter and a good squeeze of some Sweet Baby Ray's for him. It's all good, folks.)

Now, Chicken Wings...ASSEMBLE!

I like to play with them and bend them and make them walk.

Camera One...

Camera Two...

Camera One...

Camera Two...

Okay, now it's time to get serious. The knife is out, people. Some people snap them in half. I'll have to try this next time. I've always just cut them. So maybe there are tiny shards of bone all over. Ehh...I eat the tofu anyway.

Looks appetizing, huh? I'm tellin ya...tofu.

Are the parts beginning to look familiar now? My mind is BLOWN.

Okay, here is what you need for the breading and frying process, if you indeed intend clothe your wings (though there's nothing wrong with "naked" wings...) and cook them. And I do suggest you cook them. Salmonella is a bitch.

Anyway, mix about a cup of flour with a few shakes of salt and pepper. I also add garlic powder, but I didn't include it in this photo because my roommates were next to me and always make fun of me for using "too much garlic." Whatever. They're so full of brouhaha. I secretly added a copious amount of garlic powder to this particular breading, and they both loved it.

Toss the chicken wings in the flour, salt, pepper, GARLIC mixture.

In a high-sided pan, heat some vegetable oil (corn oil, canola oil, sunflower oil, whatever) over medium high to high heat. Notice the econo-sized VAT of oil the boys got me at the grocery. It's glorious. It even has a laundry-detergent style measuring lid. If it gets too hot, though, it could spatter and burn you... I have spots all over my arms and Zach told me it looked like I had Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome. And that's no bueno, friends.

Drop them wings into the hot oil! Yay HEALTH!

Sometimes I guilt Andy into flipping the wings, because they need to be flipped periodically. I think they take around 15 minutes to cook. Flip them over ever few minutes. Slice into a couple of them with a knife to check their done-ness. Pink is not good. You want them to be white. Duh.

They're done! They're done!

Now cut the tofu (if you're using that) into cubes. Perhaps 1x1x1/2 inch. Toss them in the same breading, and fry them the same as the chicken. You'll know when they're done because the outside is reeeeeeeally crispy and the inside is soft. OHMYGOD they're good!

For the dip, mix, in equal parts: sour cream, ranch, and blue cheese. And a shake of black pepper. You could definitely add blue cheese crumbles, but they're a little expensive. You can also omit the ranch dressing because it is of the devil (smite me all you will...). But I think the roomies would get pissed, so I take one for the team and include ranch.

Pour the delicious sauce (which has cooled slightly, remember?) over the chicken wings...

...or tofu nugs. When I made this for Zach, he said: "Oh, Sophi, only you could take tofu, a protein-power-food, and make it so...unhealthy. I love you..." That was paraphrased.

But I don't endorse total healthlessness! ("Healthlessness" is definitely not a real word.) See? Every time I make wings, I pair them with a huge plate of fresh fruits and vegetables. Here we have a beautiful mango, plump grapes, snappy celery, and organic carrots. Because non-organic carrots make my mouth itch like a mothafuckah.

Here's the finished product!

We drank wine that night, too, but really: wings are for beer.

BBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRPPPP!

FECKIN' FRANCH TOAST: The Recipe

2008-02-27T14:02:00.014-06:00

Don't lie, you wish your breakfast looked like this.

Today, I'll show you how to make not only French toast, but feckin French toast.

You know it's gotta be good if I named the blog after it.

Well, okay... it's a quote from The 40-Year-Old Virgin but who's keeping track?

Here's what you need: bread (I used plain ol' sliced wheat, but the thicker the bread, the better the FFT.), egg (one or two, depending on how much you want to make), milk, vanilla, cinnamon, allspice, and butter. Eventually, I threw in some crushed cereal and wheat germ, but that's optional.

First, whisk the milk and egg together in a bowl. I'd say about 1/4 to 1/3 cup of milk to each egg.

Remember how I told you to buy some egg whites, you little bastards? Well, if you didn't, you're screwed if your milk to egg ratio is off. You have to use a whole new egg to balance it out. But for the enlightened souls who followed my solemn word, just add some egg whites if your "dip" is too milky.

I added about 2 teaspoons of vanilla. There's really no right or wrong amount, just do what you feel. I like a lot of vanilla.

Then give the mixture a good shake of cinnamon and an almost as big'a shake of allspice. Whisk 'er up.

Ooooooooh, bubbly. And so well-combined! How do I do it, you ask? Well, I am a FFT genius.

Melt cho buttah in a skillet over, ehh, medium high or so.

Here is the point where I strayed from the plan. I thought "hey! Let's dip it into some crushed up cereal and wheat germ to make the outside crispy!" I had corn-flaked French toast at a hotel once. But this is SO much better, this is Honey-Bunches-of-Oats-ed and wheat germ-ed FECKIN FRANCH toast. Just mash that shit up and put it into a bowl. Or a plate. Don't matter none to meeeee.

I neglected to get good dipping and coating shots. The logistics of it were mind-boggling...the egg, the milk, the camera lens...AHH! So, take each slice and bread and dip it flat-side down into the egg and milk mixture. Coat both sides. I'm sure you've done this before... Then do the same in the smooshed-cereal. Then plop the bread into the sizzling HOT pond of melted butter in your skillet. Make sure the butter is totally melted and HOT HOT HOT when you put the bread in, or else you risk the chance of sogginess. If you're especially soggy-phobic, you can try toasting the bread before the dipping pro-cess.

I ended up making one slice of wheat bread, then went CRAZY with a French loaf that was on the counter. Then I peeled myself an immunity-boosting grapefruit because I work with snotty slobbery virally-infected children. And had a delish cup'a'joe.

MMMMM...what a breakfast.

Alfredo my arse...

2008-02-26T15:35:00.002-06:00

Pasta with White Wine Cream Sauce

Is it just me or does Alfredo sound like the name of an old, fat black man rocking on his porch swing humming Bible hymns? Maybe I knew someone in a past life who fits this description. Hell, maybe I was a fat, black man named Alfredo. Anyway, Alfredo sauce is boring.

And you want to know what else is boring? Marinara sauce from a jar. I mean, don't get me wrong, Classico has gotten me through some rough times, but aren't you just a little bit tired of the same old same old pasta?

Yeah, thought so. (Notice I give you no time to actually answer.)

Get your bottle of wine and let's start cookin'.

I chose this one. It's pretty cheap, and Sauvingnon Blanc has treated me exceptionally well lately in cooking and recreational sipping. Leave yourself about a half a cup for this recipe.

First and foremost, I'm going to teach you how to dice an onion. This is something that the Pioneer Woman taught me. I don't know what I did before she imparted her skillz on me via-blog. Anyway, begin by slicing your onion length-wise. Hot-dog way, you know? Not hamburger way.

Alright, now lay it on its belly and chop off its feet and toes.

Now peel of the outer layer... you should be able to get a thin membrane and not an entire layer. Like Goldmember, put it in the skinbox.

Now, slice the onion into little strips, leaving one end intact to keep it all together.

Isn't this shot just lovely? I feel like a real-good photographer. Slice your onion down the side and watch the little sections flake right off.

See?

Look! You just diced yer-self an onion!

Oh-ma-gawd. Doesn't everything just look better with my brand new honkin' diamond??

But anyway, I digress. Melt over medium-high heat 3 Tablespoons of butter and 4 Tablespoons of olive oil in a pan, or a wok...whatever suits you. See--more olive oil than butter. Healthy fat! I'm all about health, you'll see! This recipe is "low-fat," I swear. Honestly though, don't decrease the amount of butter because it's part of what makes the sauce thicken when it cools. Ooh, it's so BUBBLY and oily and deliciosoooo.

Dump your onion in, with a few Tablespoons of garlic. And I hereby retract what I said a few posts ago about jarred garlic. I said it because jarred garlic is simply more convenient than buying garlic cloves. Of course, fresh is always better! Cook the onion and garlic in the butter and olive oil until it browns, like here!

Alright, I was going to go on a huge lesson about Romano cheese and how it's made from sheep's milk and so even bloaty, farty, lactose-intolerant people like Christa Wagner and Brittany Hagan can consume it without intestinal issues. But, on closer inspection of this picture, I see that this particular block of Romano cheese is made with cow's milk. Sonofabitch. Nonetheless, shred 1/2 to 3/4 cup of the stuff.

If you're lazy, a cylinder of Kraft parmesan works fine, I GUESS.

Remember the saute-ing glory on your stove? Well, take your half cup of wine--I trust you've controlled yourself enough to preserve that much--and pour it into that therre skillet. It'll sizzle and pop a little bit, and I swear to our sweet lord baby Jesus 8 pounds 4 ounces that this combination will emit the most fantastic smell ever. Smell dat shit, son.

Once you're done taking the train to nasal-pleasuretown, go ahead and dump 1 cup of heavy cream into the pan...

...and stir it up real nice.

Then dump your cheese into it, and stir that too. Here is the point where you'd also add chopped fresh basil, but I forgot to buy basil at the store, so...figure it out yourself.

Here is the pasta I chose to use. Doesn't it sound just decadent? OHHHH, gluten-free!

Gratuitous self-serving digression: This is going to be dessert. Notice how it's sandwiched between frozen vegetables? I think it cancels the empty-calorie factor of the Ben&Jerry's out. Right? And look at Willie Nelson! How cuuuuuute! Anyway, grab some frozen veggies if you don't have fresh ones.

Make a mini-steamer with a bowl and a strainer. Fill the bowl with a little water, but not enough to reach the bottom of the strainer when you balance it on top.

Put dem veggies in there, and pop it in the microwave for a few minutes. You're on your own here about how long to put it in. Just go for a minute each time, I suppose, and check it.

I assume you all know how to make pasta. Boil it, strain it, and, for this recipe, rinse it. Then pour it into the delicious, creamy, fantastically fantastical sauce you have just created.

Now, toast some bread and (Pap)smear it with olive oil, minced garlic, mozzarella cheese, and some dried basil or Italian seasoning. Broil it. Watch it the whole time. I burn bread a lot. Damn broiler is outta control.

When your vegetables are ready, place them on top of the pasta, sprinkle with some more cheese, and VOILA! Your first Sophi-dish is made! You can also adorn this bad boy with chicken or shrimp or ham or whatever you please...

...like I did here. I made this for Zach on the evening of February 15, 2008. He proposed the next day. Coincidence?

...I think NOT!

Pasta with White Wine Cream Sauce

Ingredients

One small white onion -or- One-half large white onion

A few Tablespoons of minced garlic (judging on your garlic tendencies)

1/2 cup white wine

1 cup heavy cream

3 Tablespoons butter

4 Tablespoons (1/4 cup) olive oil

Parmesan or Romano (or Asiago...) cheese

1 normal sized package of whatever pasta you like (the bottom photo is made with basil fettucine)

Basil (not pictured...sorry guys)

Vegetables for topping (broccoli, peas, etc.)

Meat, if you'd like. Baked or sauteed or roasted or toasted or whatever.

Oh yeah, and Ben&Jerry's for dessert. Duh.

What is this stinkin' blog named after?

2008-02-26T09:45:00.001-06:00

If you don't already know, prepare to have your mind BLOWN.
This is from The Forty-Year-Old Virgin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snR96EgWDVI

What you NEED in your fridge and cabinet.

2008-02-25T07:20:00.000-06:00

I will begin this post by saying: I have drank over half a bottle of wine. Don't be concerned, even though I include some form of alcohol in many of my recipes and encourage copious wine consumption.

Anyway, here is a list I have compiled of essential ingredients/food items. You should have these things in stock at all times. Buy in bulk, if you must.

Alright:

To keep in the "hi-my-name-is-Sophia-and-I-am-a-lush" theme, always have wine. Wine wine wine. Red, white, and everything in between. Buy it frequently or buy lots of bottles at once. Well, or buy lots of bottles at once frequently...like I do. Psych. (Sort of.) Red and white wines are both good for making pasta sauces, marinades, dressings, etc.

Though I am partial to wine, I do not exclude other delicious and nutritious 21+ products.

Whiskey and rum are delicious with chocolate.

I haven't experimented with vodka to much, but it's best to have some on hand, you know, for emergencies. And Tuesdays.

Beer is always good to have, as well, especially if you live with da boyz, as I do. I'm really beginning to like darker beers lately (Porters/Scotch Ales). Maybe I'll do a taste test post of different beers. That sounds like fun! Perhaps I'll slyly incorporate my "research" into the weekly celebration of "New Brew/(Wings) Thursday." Wings recipe to come soon. Get yer drool rags now.

Beer can also be used for, oh, I dunno. Marinades for anything. Fish, chicken, tofu...HELL! Go CRAZY!

Egg Whites

I eat eggs primarily for protein, and the protein in eggs is found in the whites, while the yolk contains all of the lovely LDL cholesterol that clogs arteries/makes us fatty McFatFats, etc. So, while it's perfectly okay to have egg yolk in moderation, it's certainly healthier to eat the whites. To avoid buying tons and tons of whole eggs, buy a carton of the whites to use for your scrambled eggs and omlettes. And you can make fried (over-easy) eggs bigger with a splash of whites without adding any more yolk! Got it? Good.

Ground Turkey

Sounds weird, sure. But honestly, it works in everything. It's a healthier alternative to ground beef, and I swear the flavor is better. I use it in homemade baked egg rolls, and the boys use it to make turkey burgers...White Castle-style, of course. It's a good thing.

Sour Cream

Holy shit. I can't believe I lived without sour cream until this year. Mexican food, potatoes, Buffalo Wing sauce... AHHH! This stuff is craaaaaaazy-versatile! Buy some! And, though my roommates beg to differ, I swear the low-fat stuff tastes just the same as regular.

Turbinado Sugar

Turbinado Sugar, or raw sugar (You know the brown-ish packets of "Sugar-In-The-Raw" at Starbucks...yeah, that's this), is better for you than regular sugar. Basically. It's less refined than white sugar, so it's more natural, so...DER...I like it more. It's what I sweeten my coffee with. And it's good in oatmeal and lots of other stuff. It gets a little expensive to bake with turbinado sugar, but it's definitely worth having around. It tastes like mild brown sugar. Just look at it!! How be-a-u-ti-ful! Find it in the organic section or whatever.

Half&Half

Speaking of coffee with the turbinado sugar, buy some Half&Half. Just do it.

Put it in coffee instead of that fake-flavored-creamer-corn-syrup-baloney.

Oooh, and put it in oatmeal instead of milk. I guarantee a climax, and yes, I do mean sexually.

Frozen Fruits and Vegetables

Frozen fruit and berries (blueberries, strawberries, and mango are my favorites) are fantastic smoothie-makin' components. They also make for lovely little healthy snacks. And, if you're neurotic and obsessive about your grapes being ABSOLUTELY CRISPY, you can also freeze "too"-mushy-to-eat grapes to munch on. I mean, on which you may munch.

Frozen vegetables are imperative, especially when you know that you won't be able to make it to the store to buy the fresh stuff. Frozen is always better than canned, nutrient-wise.

Organic Milk and Yogurt

Seriously, if you're still in, like, the 1990s and drinking cow's milk, buy it organic. It's just one of those things, dude. I know we're all in college and that bullshit, but honestly, do you want a mustache??? Because that's what gulping hormones down will give you. Try your best to buy organic, hormone- and antibiotic-free milk.

Also, the Lowfat Vanilla Stonyfield Yogurt is BREATHTAKING. Not the Fat-Free French Vanilla. That stuff is bullshit. Lowfat Vanilla Stonyfield. Just go ahead and buy it by the bucket. You're not going to regret it.

Tofu

I know, I know. You think I'm trying to convert you. But I implore you, just try it. The great thing about tofu is: not only is it the only plant-food with all 9 amino acids (thank you, soy!), but it's also super-easy to cook with and it will adapt whatever flavor you want it too! It's just that flexible! Buy extra-firm (which I realize is contradictory to the word "flexible"). Wait for my Buffalo Wings recipe to use it, if you're not feeling particularly adventurous. Don't worry, I'll include real chicken flesh in my Buffalo Wings recipe as well.

Wheat Germ/Oatmeal/Flax Seed meal

So you NEED oatmeal. The real stuff. It only takes like, one minute longer to prepare than the instant shit. Add it to baked goods.

Flax seed has Omega-3s. Mix it in stuff if you, like, don't hate yourself.

Wheat germ is excellent for smoothies or for baked goods like muffins or bread. And while we're on this subject, are you eating whole grain wheat bread? Because if you're not, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. (Thank you, Billy Madison.)

The Holy Four-gy

Flour (wheat and white (all-purpose))

Sugar (brown and white (and turbinado!), mostly brown)

Baking soda (You really do need it.)

Baking powder (Really, you do.)

If you bake ANYTHING, you need these four ingredients for most recipes.

Huile D'Olive

Err...olive oil.

I hope I remembered my French class enough to spell that "huile d'olive" correctly. Merde. Tete de merde. (Look it up, shit-heads.) Anyway, OLIVE OIL. Buy some, and buy lots. See this 3-liter beaut?? It's lasted me about a week. Yeeeah. Dats right. Three cheers for healthy fat.

'Shrooms

Speaking of olive oil, how about some things to saute in it?? Mushrooms are always good. I'd say especially the magic kind, especially when they make the ceiling turn into Easter colors and move like a kaleidoscope, but don't want to condone any bad behavior. They go with EVERYTHING. And, like tofu, they adapt whatever flavor you want them to. The roommates and I prefer "Baby Bellas."

Onion

Just like wine, there are white and red. And white and red onions are definitely both not only desired, but required for cooking. Cooking with me, at least. If in doubt, buy a white onion because they tend to be more versatile. But red onions definitely have a more distinct taste when you want an onion with, well, a distinct taste.

GARLIC

Oh Lawrd, oh Lawrdy Lawrd!!! I'm havin' the palpitations! I would put garlic in my cereal, my muffins, my smoothies, my PB&J for Christsakes, if I could! Hell, I'd put it on my friggin' vah-jay if Zach didn't complain! There is just something about garlic. It goes in anything. And if you share my ideologies on the subject, it goes in EVERYTHING and IN ABUNDANCE. Buy a big jar...not the little pussy-ass glass thing...the big motha-fuckin' plastic JAR...of minced garlic. If you have the patience to buy fresh cloves, they're super cheap and even more flavorful than a jar of minced. Prepare to have your LIFE changed.

Butter

Remember The Lion King? You know the song Can You Feeeeel the Looooove Toniiiiight? Okay, well, I think of that song when I am subjected to the evils of margarine, only the lyrics are Caaaaan You Taaaste the Chemicaaaaaaals Toniiiiiight? Because seriously, EW. Get a life. Butter is one of those things that is just not meant to be healthy. Don't settle for that margarine shit. Use butter. Use it sparingly if the thought of clogged arteries gets your skivvies in a twist. But for the love of all things holy, just don't use margarine. Plus, sticks are easier to measure when you're BAKING! Yeeeee-uh!

Sh-pices

This little dude (and by "little dude," I of course mean "rotating spice rack) is from Pier One. It has twelve different spices that spin around quite conveniently for mommy. It does what its told. It puts the lotion on its skin. ANYWAY, spices, like garlic (some consider garlic a spice...I guess it's a seasoning...anyway...) are imperative. You need them if you're ever going to be worth a damn. Here's a list of essentials:

Cinnamon (Amish flair... duh. Try it on yo cereal.)

Cajun Seasoning (Good on err'thang.)

Allspice

Garlic POWDER (You can just add salt to make "garlic salt.")

Basil (I have a BO-ner!)

Italian Seasoning (Versatile and fantastic in general.)

Parsley

Ginger (Homeopathic remedy for ouchy tummies.)

Rosemary (PFS.)

Curry Powder (Uh hu hu hu hu (Beavis and Butthead laugh).)

Black Pepper (with a grinder)

Sea Salt (with a grinder)

Hot Sauce

Frank's Red Hot

Louisiana Hot Sauce (*Super cheap!)

Tabasco

Corn Tortillas

Tabasco reminds me of Mexico which reminds me of tequila which reminds me of Cancun which reminds me of riding a bus saying "Como se what the fuck??" with two of my best friends when we were 18 years old which reminds me of the buffet at our resort which reminds me of Mexican food which reminds me of corn tortillas, which are one of the best things to ever happen to mankind. They are just SO much more flavorful than flour tortillas, and the mere thought of them whips me into an ay carumba mexicana espanol-speaking frenzy. And, they're like a dollar for a dozen of them. OLE!!!!!

I'll probably post more essential food items later, but until then,

GO GROCERY SHOPPING!

-Sophia

Coming up...

White wine cream sauce pasta

Frozen-pizza-on-amphetamines-in-a-good-way

Chiggin Wangs

Feckin' Franch Toast of the Gods!

My mission statement. How LAAAME.

2008-02-24T17:20:00.000-06:00

But seriously, I have a mission in mind with this blog.

I've spoken with so many of my friends lately with access to real kitchens who don't know how to use them!

Granted, my roommates and I eat obscenely well in comparison to the average college student, but I see no reason that everyone can't enjoy such culinary luxury.

All you need is a trip to the grocery (store*), some confidence and patience, and an appetite. Everyone has an appetite. If you don't, you're obviously not my friend. Obviously.

*My roommate, Andy, spits in my face, stomps on my toes, and taunts me relentlessly when I refer to Jewel-Osco, or Dominicks, or Whole Foods as "the grocery" instead of "the grocery store." Am I alone in this?

Let's get shakin', bacon. (Speaking of pork products, even though I'm a vegetarian, I'll try to indulge you with lots of pro-te-in variety.)

Lovingly,

Sophia